October 12th...

Not to be a Debbie Downer because I "try" to focus on the positive, but tomorrow is THAT day, the day that I have been absolutely dreading for about 7 months now. October 12, 2012, the day that our first little angel was due to be born. I wished that this week would have passed by as quickly as possible because the pain has been unbearable in my heart just thinking about this day, but unfortunately it already feels like the LONGEST week ever. Aaron and I are just so ready for January to come around so we can start anew with life in our precious Noah. I can't change time though so I will try and take each day as it comes with gratitude.

I know they say time heals all wounds which I am hoping is the case but I think Aaron and I are just ready for this year to be over so we won't have any more "milestone" dates with my first pregnancy. That may sound harsh or cold to some like I don't "want" to acknowledge it but it's something I really want to get past for the well being of Noah so that its not on my mind all the time. I know that Noah probably feels my sadness or anxiety so it's not fair to him. I want to be able to enjoy the full joy and excitment of this pregnancy with my little Noah without feeling sad whenever I think about my first one that's gone. It's an emotional roller coaster let me tell ya!! I never ever want to sound like I am down playing my first baby's precious life because it is so important to me but I also don't ever want to take away from Noah because it's not his fault and he is just as precious and I love him so much!

There have been lots of emotional moments for Aaron and I (melt downs on my part) as this month has come around knowing that our sweet one won't get the chance at life with us here on earth but we have to keep reminding ourselves that our baby's new life is far greater in heaven and no one or nothing can take that from them. What a comfort.

I have mixed emotions of course like any mommy would have because I selfishly want that child here with me and Aaron and I want it to be born but then I wouldn't have sweet Noah who I am feeling role around in my belly as I write this :). I praise God every day for our little Noah and pray that He keeps him safe. Noah's life will NEVER replace our first baby's life but his life is just as precious to us and is a testament of God's grace shown apon us. He gave us this sweet blessing in the most perfect moment when we thought there was no hope. Noah was an agent of healing for our wounded hearts but it saddens me to think that he won't know one of his siblings.

Each year I will always remember our first little angel and will never forget the love I have for it as well as the desire to have it in my arms. I will praise God though knowing that I will meet that baby and one day get to hold it and kiss its sweet little face in heaven. My sweet and wonderful husband bought me a ring soon after we lost our baby that I wear on my right ring finger every day. Its the October birthstone which is a reminder of our first precious one and not a days goes by that I don't look at it and thank God for such a loving husband who knows my heart. I appreciate that my husband did something so thoughtful for me and that he gave me a little token to have as a remembrance of that precious life! Although the ring won't ever replace the life, it is a sweet reminder to me of how precious that life was (and is)!

Aaron and I are going to get away for the weekend just the two of us so we are really excited about that! I can't wait to have a whole weekend with him and not have to worry or think about anything else :).

My beautiful October ring my husband got me :) He is the best.